R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

The other day I was listening to an old Aretha Franklin album, and the song “Respect” really stuck in my head for some reason. (There are two versions of the song “Respect,” the original put out by Otis Redding and the revised version by Arthea.) The first thing that came to mind was that ever-popular argument about whether respect is earned or simply given and expected. Yet, I couldn’t help thinking about how much we need a little more respect in our world. Of course, Ms. Franklin was singing about getting a little more respect from her man (by the way he treated her) when he came home, and I guess that where respect should start – at home. Certainly, respect between parents and children, the elders and the young, and yes, husbands and wives are important as it relates to human dignity and regard. That means everyone deserves a little respect.

I wonder do we all agree that using foul language is disrespectful. When adults use curse words when speaking to children, they are destroying any reason for children to show them respect. Actually, they are teaching children how to be disrespectful by example. What happened to the days when adults were careful about what they said in front of children? For that matter, what happened to the days when you couldn’t hear people using foul language on television, radio, or other forms of media? Now, it’s like punctuation at the end of every sentence. Perhaps foul language is so prevalent in our society today that we all think it’s normal and appropriate. (Sad, but probably true.) Unfortunately, foul language isn’t the only problem.

My personal pet peeve is familiarity. My mom is in her nineties, and it bugs me to no end to have some customer service person call her by her first name as if they are friends and contemporaries. Worst yet, they may say “momma” as some form of respecting her apparent age. No “Miss” or “Mrs.” and no request or permission to use her first name. Even white-collar professionals such as doctors and lawyers address their perspective clients by their first names without asking permission. In my world that’s disrespectful. My children (adults now) and my grandchildren have been taught to address people by titles especially if they are older than them. Even familiar family friends are addressed as Mr. or Ms. along with their first names such as Ms. JoAnne or Mr. Robert. This is simply a matter of respect and common courtesy until a person invites you to use their first names. I know, that’s just plain old-fashioned, but how we address one another is important. I never thought I’d live in a world where it’s okay to address someone as the “B” word, or as a whore. This is prevalent with our young people and in today’s music and drama. It’s no longer just familiarity, it’s disrespectful.

Unlike Aretha Franklin’s song, I don’t demand respect from anyone. I simply treat people the way I want to be treated. I use my self-esteem to esteem others. I am mindful of the circumstances and surroundings I find myself in, and considerate of the people sharing that space. As I teach my students, formal situations call for formal language. Casual situations may allow for code switching – informal language – depending on how casual the situation is. (This can be applied to dress as well.) In business situations, I address people by title or last names unless directed by them to do otherwise. I avoid nicknames in public places. I relinquish my seat and my place in line to obvious elders with regard for their age. Even in anger, I try to maintain a level of respect for myself and others. That’s really where it all starts, respect for oneself.

During the spring my middle granddaughter broke off a relationship with a young man. She said the young man called her out of her name and even though he apologized, she was done. When I asked her why. She said I have too much respect for myself to allow someone else to degrade me. Wow! I was so proud of her in that moment. We should be respectful enough that we exude respect both for ourselves and for others. Perhaps this would lead to more respect in our world.

Hears and AI Overview –“Respect, at its core, means treating others with consideration, valuing their opinions and boundaries, and recognizing their intrinsic worth. It’s about acknowledging their individuality and accepting them, even when you disagree with them. Respect also involves showing consideration for their feelings, even when you don’t personally agree with them.”

R-E-S-P-E-C-T” I know what it means to me, but what does it mean to you? Do you think we could use just a little bit more from our governmental and educational leaders? Do you think we could use a little more in our “Beloved Community” and among our young people? What about when you get home? Let me hear from you, I’d love to know what you think.

Be safe, be vital, be at peace, show respect, enjoy the music.

Before Hindsight

In our family someone always says, “Hindsight is 20/20,” meaning you can see things more clearly after the fact. While you are in the middle of certain situations and circumstances you may not be able to analyze the value or the significance of an event. This is especially true when emotions are high. Hindsight can help us to see and potentially understand all components of the event as well as the players and their contributions. Usually, it’s during hindsight when we gain real knowledge and potential explanations that aids our character and earns our acceptance.

Death of a loved one is often one of those hindsight conundrums. My grandfather held my hand and called me by my childhood nickname the last time I saw him at the nursing home. I realized later he was telling me goodbye. At the time I thought it was unusual, and I wondered what made him use that nickname. It had been years since I heard it and never once in my adult life. Also, it was odd for him to reach for and hold my hand. We (my mom and I) attributed to some weird sense of sentimentality, but looking back I’m sure he was expressing his love for me and saying goodbye. How I wished I had comprehended that in the moment. I would have hugged him and told him I loved him too. I had missed an opportunity because he died two days later.

This event and several others got me to wondering if I could prompt hindsight to happen sooner, better yet to have insight to happen so I wouldn’t have to wait for hindsight in any form. Would it be possible to take a step back and understand the significance of an experience within the timing of the event? Can we stop multitasking in our minds long enough to be truly present in every situation?

Our level of being plugged-in all day every day is causing a disconnection in our relationships and experiences. We check our text messages while holding a conversation with a friend or coworker. We listen to a podcast while driving through the school zone. We type emails or watch news reels while sharing lunch with a colleague or a family member. We mentally review our to-do lists while attending a staff meeting or a social event. We are rarely truly present anywhere or during large parts of our day. We aren’t even able to draw insight from hindsight because we can’t fully recollect a single encounter. Everything is muddled and it’s hard to recall the who, what, when, where, and how of a past event. Like that day with my grandfather, there is no telling what I was thinking about at the time. I’m not sure I didn’t have my phone in my other hand. I have no idea what was said just before that moment. I can’t tell you if nurses, orderlies or other patients were present. All I really remember is him eating the coconut cake we brought him and at some point, he took my hand and called me Squeaky. Why wasn’t I fully present? I do not know.

Now I find myself asking what’s going on here; what’s happening here. I try to take the time and the initiative to look people in the eye when they are speaking. I make an effort to put my phone on mute and away during meals and social gatherings. I check my emotions as well. It’s important to know how I’m feeling’ what am I bringing to the situation emotionally. For example, if I’m already angry about something it may not be a good idea to have a serious discussion about my current project. The anger may flow over into a new situation that has nothing to do with the current topic of discussion. Sometimes I have to make a concerted effort to put other matters on the shelf for a later time.

There’s a little praise song we used to teach the children, it says: “I command my hands to praise the Lord, I command my feet, to praise the Lord, I command my mind to praise the Lord . . .” Being present is like that. I have to call myself to be present by commanding my ears to hear and listen, my eyes to notice and observe, my mind to stay focus on the now. Chock this one up to my writer’s weirdness, but I like to call my senses to participate as well. You know how a smell can carry you back to an occasion or a person, our senses come into play when we are fully present. There was a time when these things could be taken for granted, but not today. Today we must be more intentional – more mindful and more attentive.

Hindsight is definitely informative at times, but we cannot discount foresight and insight. Active listening, attentiveness, and elevated senses can increase our ability to see and understand what’s happening in front of us. Our vision will not be dependent our ability to replay an event. Afterall, the nicest and best gift (present) we can give or receive is someone’s presence.

“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing!” Try commanding yourself to be present. Start with your family and friends, then extend it to your colleagues and community. Peace.

Substitute Dad
He was my mother’s father, but my daddy most of all
Whenever I went to him, he gave me his all.
Tall and strong and funny too,
In my younger years, he replaced you.

In the house, he baby-sat
And sometimes he took me to the track.
I couldn’t have asked for a better dad
Even though I wasn’t the only grandchild he had.

He called me “Squeaky” as his pet-name
And gave me things Mom thought was insane.
He embraced my dreams and gave me his time
When I cried and screamed, he didn’t seem to mind.

Year after year, he was present and available
His love, his strength, his tender loving care was so dependable
I learned from him love unconditional
You see, his love was never provisional.

Yes, it’s true, he spoiled me
By being the best substitute dad, he could be.

In memory of John “Daddy Kirk” Boyd

Community = Common Unity

“Community” is on the lips of every local politician and every civic organization. Whether schools, churches, or mosques we all want to see stronger communities; but what do we mean by community. When we say community where are the boundaries and borders? Is it a one block radius around my house, or the whole area of the housing development? Is it the designated name of an area used by voting districts or property taxes, or is it the area used for postal services by zip code? In smaller towns is it the whole town or just the city limits? Perhaps it is time define or redefine community for everyone.

If you study the etymology of the word community you will find its origins in Latin, and Old French. In Latin it is the word “communis” meaning the same and “communitas.” meaning common, public, shared by all or many. Our English word community is an adaptation of these words from the Old French word “communaute” which refers to public spirit or commonality. Outside of the fact that I love studying the historic context of words it always interests me that most words we consider to be “American” are actually borrowed words from other languages. Needless to say, over time words seem to take on new meanings and lose their intended and original definition. So, allow me to simplify the meaning of community for this blog post as derived from this background: Community equals Common Unity,

Several weeks ago, a huge oak tree fell in my front yard. We were lucky that it fell at an angle, so it didn’t hit our home or the homes of our neighbors. It did fall across the street and left limbs and debris in our neighbors’ yards as well as blocked the entire street. A young man came over from the end house and offered to help my husband clean up the debris and cut and remove the tree. It turned out that he owned a tree cutting and removal business. Another neighbor from the cul-de-sac came with power saw in hand to help with the cleanup too. The young business owner finished the job of removing the fallen tree and proceeded to cut bad limbs on other trees in our yard. He also pruned my crepe myrtles and inspected other trees on our property. When my neighbor to my left came home there was no evidence that our tree had left limbs and leaves all over her yard. It turned out that this young businessman who was relatively new to the neighborhood has helped people all over the neighborhood. When asked what was really in it for him, he said, “This is my community it’s our job to help one another.” Imagine that. This young man saw our entire development as his community.

That fact is disaster has a tendency to draw a community together. Floods, hurricanes, fires, all these things bring families and neighbors together because they are experiencing “communitas.” Trauma, grief, upheaval, and lost is the commonality that brings everyone together. Differences are put aside. Unity of purpose is understood in terms of survival and rebuilding. This is commendable, but also temporary. I am always amazed how people come together from all over the country to help individuals in these disastrous situations. Yet, why should it take catastrophe to remind us that we are one community.

Before calamity happens, we have a common unity. Every parent wants a good education and a safe environment for their children. Every bread winner wants to make enough money to take care of their families. Renters want to become owners. Owners want to maintain their property values. Everyone wants to have nourishment and clean water to drink. All people need clothes appropriate for the weather and affordable housing. Healthcare and retirement income are all common needs amidst the aging. Everyone sheds tears at the loss of a loved one. Everyone is pursuing happiness – the so-called American dream. These are not political talking points; these are community needs. These are the things we have in common with our neighbors and others who live in our region. These are reasons for us to relate to one another and to help one another. If you really think about it, we have more in common than we have as differences. Pain, fear, hope, dreams, struggle, thriving are all part of our common experiences.

Rather than allowing politics, racism, sexism, classism, and other social economic circumstances to polarize us why can’t our commonalities unify us? We breathe the same air. We walk or drive the same streets. We have the same desires for our families. This is not rhetoric; look around our world. Here’s the reality and if we are not careful, we will create more disasters to draw us into unnatural communities. Let’s remember our common unity before things around us get worst. We should build our community to make it stronger by stepping in to help in any way that we can. Like the young businessman I mentioned above, we can use our expertise to make our communities better. Like the neighbors that came to help us, we can use our collective efforts to fix and clean up our shared space.

It’s time to unify. It’s time to be a real community. It’s time to capitalize on our common unity. PEACE!

Photo by Kaique Rocha on Pexels.com

Writing Memoir

Come and join us for this event.

Saturday, July 13
2:00pm – 4:00pmAdd to Calendar

DeKalb County Public Library

Stone Mountain, GA.

Hairston Crossing Library

Join us to discuss writing craft based on a monthly topic. This month, we will meet in-person and learn about writing memoirs with writer Patricia A Boyd-Wilson. 

No registration or membership required. New writers welcome.For more information, check out the Writers Group website

Has Common Courtesy Left the Building?

Recently, I went to an active seniors’ interest meeting for people over 55. It wasn’t hard to see that the meeting room was too small for the interested population. People began to line the walls as well as stand in the rear of the room and the hallway. Remember these were people over the age of 55, many in their seventies. Arguments broke out. “Why didn’t the younger people give their seats to the elderly? Why didn’t men give their seats to the women? Why weren’t those with walkers and canes allowed to seat first? Surely, they don’t expect us to stand up for the entire meeting. How are we supposed to hear in the hallway? Why didn’t they get a bigger space? Obviously, they don’t know what they are doing?” For a few minutes I thought I was back in my kindergarten classroom listening to the children bicker over who would be the line leader and who had the toy first. Finally, the moderator gained everyone’s attention. He apologized for the size of the room and moved us to a much larger space across the hall where everyone had a seat with room to spare. Some continued to grumble about how this should have been done in the first place.

I couldn’t help but wonder why people had acted so poorly. It was obvious the planners had not expected such a large turnout. It was also obvious that the building had the ability to accommodate larger groups than ours. Many of us came to the meeting room from the auditorium in the same building. Why couldn’t everyone wait just a few minutes to see how the problem would be addressed? Why didn’t we govern ourselves like the senior adults we were? How could we make assumptions about each other? People sat first come first serve. No one knew ahead of time that they might have been occupying a seat that others needed or deserved. No one intentionally slighted anyone else. It was not possible to look at an individual and determine whether they were 60 or 80, let alone how able-bodied someone who was sitting down could be. Waiting patiently and giving the planners an opportunity to handle the matter was not on the agenda. Common courtesy had no place in this gathering. Common courtesy had left the building.

I pondered that scene for several days. As many of you know I work with children and young adults as an educator. (Elementary grades and adult GED classes) The question I kept pondering was how can we expect polite behavior from the younger generation if we aren’t role models.? Should we expect better of them ourselves? I hear people complaining all the time about how rude young people are and how disrespectful they can be, but what about us? The old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” has never worked. Children will do as we do. Where do they learn to be inconsiderate, hostile, mean, self-centered and selfish? Are we going to blame everything on video games, TikTok, and peer pressure? Here’s another old saying, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

My grandmother used to say, “Common courtesy doesn’t cost you anything.” Simply words like please, thank you, you welcome, excuse me, may I help you, and I’m sorry can be given freely. Common courtesy can bridge the way to a cordial existence among a variety of individuals. Manners and words of kindness can set the tone for most any encounter. It only requires a little empathy and common courtesy, and we need these more than ever in our society.

Perhaps courtesy has left the building. I mean, I keep using the phrase “common courtesy,” but maybe courtesy isn’t common anymore. Perhaps the art of being neighborly and showing patience and compassion has been lost. Perhaps some people see courtesy as an antiquated word that needs to be removed from the dictionary. Or perhaps it has been replaced by a new word or been given a new meaning. Let’s bring old-fashioned common courtesy back. Let’s re-emphasize the simple definition we’ve always had: “showing politeness in one’s attitude and behavior toward others.” It would change our world in a good way.

Imagine how courtesy could deflate road rage or put a halt to rude gestures. Courtesy could change the trajectory of someone’s day from bad to good especially those who work with the general public. Understanding and compassion can build torn down relationships and bridge the so-called generation gap. A little gratitude and patience can change the words “Have a nice day” into a reality. If we bring courtesy and manners back into every building our environments will be far more peaceful. All we need is someone to set the example, be the role model, give what you want to receive. We can all show good manners and be better citizens by following the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Let’s invite courtesy back into the building of our relationships, our business transactions, our conversation, and our communities.

Thank you for your time. Thank you for comments. Thank you for sharing my blog with others. Peace!

Common Courtesy is Welcome Here!

Dream-ability!

Where do dreams come from? Are they purely an ability to imagine and propel our thoughts into different scenarios or are they produced from our subconscious desires? Are they embedded impressions stored in our brain from past experiences or conversations, or do they come from nebulous subliminal messages through the multi-media airways? Perhaps they come from another realm of existence such as angels, ancient ancestors, or the supreme divine source. I’m sure there are many explanations, but one thing is certain – people of all ages dream.

There are daydreams and dreams that come when we sleep. There are dreams (goals, plans, hopes, wishes) for a happier more prosperous future as well as dreams to change the past. There are dreams that are filled with fantasy and magic, and there are dreams that need strategic planning. There are dreaded dreams like nightmares filled with doom and gloom, and night terrors filled with danger and life-threatening disasters. Some people dream with perfect recall, while others barely remember any details at all. Dreams can be ethereal and almost impossible to capture the necessary details. Dreams can seem like an additional sense providing intuition and premonitions about the living and or the dying. Dreams seem to exist on many plains and levels of consciousness both tangible and intangible. Dreaming does not have fixed boundaries; everyone has the capacity to dream.

Doctors (MD’s and Psychologists) seem to believe vivid or intense dreams happen during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep. (Mind you this is from my cursory reading on the subject.) They say this is when our brain is most actively engaged in the same way it is when we are awake and involved in some stimulating activity. On the other hand, daydreams happen when we allow our minds to drift and lack external stimulation, more likely when our attention is focused on feelings or imaginative thoughts – a sort of wishful thinking. In reality, information about one’s dream-ability is speculative. Doctors cannot see the dreamers’ dreams to examine them. They are dependent on the dreamer’s ability to recall and interpret the dream accurately which means even the recall and the interpretation is subject to human error. Most dreamers add commentary to explain their dreams. So, doctors look for patterns and listen to complaints when dreams cause mental anguish or peculiar behavior such as sleepwalking and insomnia. In this discussion mental illness is not our point of reference. By all means if your dreams disturb your life, see a physician. I am talking more about how we interpret the dreams that we have from time to time without trauma or external stimulation from drugs or alcohol. In other words, what do your dreams mean to you.

When I was a little girl, I remember our landlord always asking me what I dreamed. She had a dream book, and she would tell me what the dream meant according to her book. It seemed a little goofy to me, but she was quite serious about it. Eventually, my mom made her stop asking me about my dreams; she said the landlord was using my dreams to play the numbers. I had no idea what that meant until I was much older and read a book entitled Daddy was a Number Runner by Louise Meriweather. Not only did I have very vivid dreams when I slept, but I could stare out the window and dream an entire episode of travel and adventure. At any rate, I stopped telling anyone my dreams except my journal.

As I got older, I dreamed about my ancestors. In my dreams they seem to have messages for me. Sometimes they were people I had actually known, and other times they were people who had died before I was born. I shared these dreams with my grandmother who would try to figure out who the people in my dreams were. One person, my grandfather’s mother would appear in my dreams often. I felt like she came to protect me from danger. One time I described her hat to my grandmother, and it seemed to spook her. My grandmother pulled a big hat box from the top of her closet and showed me the hat I had described to her. It was a gift from her mother-in-law given to her before I was born. After that my grandmother believed me when I told her dreams about my great-grandmother, her mother-in-law who died when I was two years old. As I grew older, I learned not to share my dreams with adults because of their strange reactions to them, and sometimes to me as well. Apparently, a vivid imagination was not good for a young girl and foreknowledge, or foresight was too eerie or mysterious.

To this day, I keep a dream journal. Some dreams I chalk up to too much cabbage and cornbread or horror movies. (There is a theory that when you eat too much it can give you crazy dreams like watching too many scary movies.) Sometimes I wait to see if the dream is repetitive. At other times I try to decipher a message from them. Either way, I don’t dwell on them, because they are what they are – just dreams – until they prove otherwise. I don’t dream all the time, at least not that I can remember or recall, but on the occasion that I do I jot down what I can remember without commentary. If it leaves a particular impression, I write that down as well. I have learned to use discretion in sharing my dreams; however, I do have some friends and family members who have similar experiences with dreaming. I am certain that some of my creativity comes from my dream-ability. Writing stories can be like an awake dream of characters, places, and scenes. It’s like a preternatural gift that allows me to see more and feel more in addition to my five senses.

Whether dreams are a series of images produced by the brain unintentionally, or a self-indulging product of our own desires and thoughts, dreams can be useful tools for creativity and healthy imagination. I venture to say that all art forms: music, poetry, prose, lyrics, graphics, design, dance, etc. comes from one’s ability to see something outside the range of normal vision. Inspiration and even aspiration can come from a lingering daydream. Worlds can exist outside of our normal range of reality because of a person’s dream-ability. Foresight, insight, perspective, and stimulation can arise from one’s ability to dream. Whatever you attribute dream-ability to it sets us apart from the animal kingdom. We are able to hope, to set goals, to implement wishes, and accomplish bucket lists because we can dream. We follow intuition and premonitions based on our ability to imagine outcomes in our mind’s eye, a form of dreaming. The visual aspect of our dream-ability helps us create the faith we need to open and close doors in our daily life’s journey. How you interpret your dreams makes all the difference. Are they possibilities or impossibilities? Are they precursors to invention or forewarnings for potential failings? Are they comical reliefs for a stressful existence or serious roadmaps for a thriving future? How do you use your dream-ability?

Dreams may demand interpretation, but the interpretation starts with you. Take a little time to dream!.

Self-Improvement

Several days ago, I read an article about doing something to better yourself every day. I was intrigued and shared this with my family members. Everyone assented to the idea, but as of the writing of this blog no one has changed anything about their daily routine. (watching TV, eating out of boredom, and following social media posts). How do we get stuck in such ruts? We want to move forward in life, but we lack the will power or the motivation to get up and go for it. I want to do more to improve myself, how about you? What do you do to improve yourself? (Please share.)

When days go by, and I find I haven’t done any of the things I had planned or thought about doing, I get a little depressed. I become disappointed in myself and frustrated. I usually have no one else to blame but myself. I sit in my recliner watching reruns on TV or playing video games on my phone rather than doing something constructive. I have books to read. I have a blog to update. I have a book to finish. I have people I need to contact for lunch or brunch. I have volunteer work to do. Yet, there I sit vegetating. No creativity, no challenges, no interest, no fun. Why can’t I get moving? Why do I allow myself to fall into a rut of doing nothing? Could it be fear of failure? Could it be lack of motivation? Could it be a medical imbalance? Could it be tiredness from a lack of sleep and rest? Or is it depression manifesting itself again? Sometimes I think it’s all of the above.

My husband works on his art every day when he comes home from his eight-hour job. He says, “Don’t let me get close to my chair, because once that happens, I won’t get anything done.” His recliner is a place of comfort, but it’s also a place of procrastination and complacency. It’s easy to put things off for later. but he doesn’t let that chair conquer his desire to be productive. He can be proud and fulfilled through the process and progress of each finished piece. (www.donwilsonartist900.com) When he does take a break, it’s planned and a much needed.

I finally got out of my rut. I began working on my blog and planning for the completion of my book. I worked on class notes for my GED students and got out of the house to enjoy the spring flowers. I went to the salon and enjoyed a message and mani/pedicure. Doing something to better yourself is not always work, it’s the things that bring you joy, fulfillment, peace, and thoughtfulness (or maybe that’s mindfulness). It is also taking care of your health both physically and mentally. It’s being engaged with others and taking the time to live in the moment. It’s working toward your purpose and using your gifts and talents for the best outcome. It’s feeding your soul with spiritual nourishment.

Self-improvement can take many forms. It can start by freeing up time in your schedule or calendar. You may need to reinstate a reasonable bedtime so that your body gets restorative rest. You may need to change your routines as it relates to eating or device usage. You may need to add some self-care components to your schedule. Perhaps you need to listen to new podcasts or watch some documentaries. You may need to institute some healthy life-giving habits like meditation, exercise, or prayer. You may need to treat yourself to a vacation or a retreat. Perhaps you need to join a group of like-minded people who can communicate in the language of your skills and talents. Whatever you decide, you can always change it if it’s not working. And don’t forget to expect the unexpected. There will be interruptions and I can tell you firsthand they can derail your entire plan. So, don’t be afraid to pick up the pieces and start again.

Self-improvement should never really stop. We should do something to better ourselves every day. It doesn’t have to take hours; it could be the few minutes it takes to read an article. None of us are too young or too old to make changes. None of us are so mentally stagnant that we can’t create new goals personally and professionally. Whatever causes you to fall into a rut of inactivity can be changed by simply making up your mind to take the first small step. For some of us, it’s a daily fight.

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Developing Character

As an author of short stories, I spend a lot of time trying to develop my characters. Depending on the role each character holds – antagonist, protagonist, comic relief – their character must reflect their thoughts and actions. What is their back story? What is their worldview? What is the driving force behind their emotions and their relationships? Character isn’t just the outward appearance of a person; it is also the inside makeup of that person. If this is true in the world of make believe, how much more is it true for each of us here in the real world?

We are charged with being a person of good character. Whether we have had a great life, or a life filled with hardship, we are tasked with what kind of character we have. Whatever role we play in society, our character is reflected in our interactions and relationships. We have a choice in who we become. We have a choice in what kind of person we want to be. Unlike the characters in my book, we have a say in whether we are what we appear to be. We can construct and develop our own character. 

I do know that some would argue against that last statement. There are many who believe our back story and our environment make us who we are. How many times have I heard that this child or that child is a product of their environment as if one’s environment is made up of a stagnant singular place. What part of one’s environment has the most influence? Home? School? Socio-economic Community? How do we explain the differences in character of people who come from the same “environment.” Why does one person rise to the top while another person scrapes the bottom of the proverbial barrel for a lifetime? One individual chooses to rise above their circumstances. Another person chooses to invest time developing character and high standards of thinking and acting. 

So, what is character? According to the Oxford Dictionary character is: ”the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual; strength and originality in a person’s nature; a person’s good reputation.” These qualities include personality, temperament, outlook, and disposition. The question becomes do we control these traits or does some outside force control us like the author of a book. Do we have a say? I think we do. We have the ability to look into the mirror and decide what kind of person we want to be, and we have the ability to change. 

This week I decided it was time to clean my office. In the process I came across my junior high and high school yearbooks. It was interesting to read the comments made by my teachers and peers. Many of these autographed inscriptions spoke to how they saw my future based on my character as a student and friend. One of the characteristics that many of them seemed to pick up on was my ability to shut people out. Some even connected this attribute with my temper and temperament. So, they made statements like: ”If you stop being so evil you will go far.” ”If you let people see the real you, you have a bright future ahead.” Several people said they wished they had gotten to know me better even though we had been classmates from elementary school through high school. I can look at many of these comments and smile, but I also have to take in consideration how much I have changed or not since then. Do I still cut people off? Do I still appear mean and temperamental all these years later? It’s interesting that my closest friends from that era (who are still in my life today) still see me the same way. While friends and colleagues who never knew me before, see me as outgoing and congenial. Very few classmates saw me that way. This speaks to outward appearances as well as personal responses to people and circumstances. 

We can develop our character to present a different set of traits in various situations. Different people may know and see us in different ways than others. Yet, our character should not have a Jekyll and Hyde persona. If we are good moral people, this should be obvious in all circumstances. If we are kindhearted and fair, it should manifest in our speech and actions. If we are reserved and tactful, no one should be able to describe us as radical and outrageous. If we are even tempered and ethical, riotous rage should never explode uncontrollably from our tongue or actions. We can develop our character by our life choices every day. We can change what we don’t like, and we can enhance what we love. Our choices may determine our future successes and defeats as stated by my old autographs, but it may also lead to better and safe communities.  

Some of the ills in our world today go back to character development. Our communities need good characters – persons who consider good citizenship, neighborliness, and moral consistency to be the qualities of maturity and health. As an author, I don’t want to create a book filled with antagonists. This would be a hostile adversarial environment with no relief in sight. How would the story end? More than likely, it would end in self-destruction and hopelessness. Every story needs a protagonist to support and champion a good outcome. Our real world needs more protagonist: heroes, heroines, advocates, champions, opposers of evil and destruction. Character development can help in a mighty way to transform our antagonistic world. 

May we all continue to work on our character and help our youth to develop good character that will transform their lives and ours. Happy MLK Jr. Day!

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” Martin Luther King Jr.

It’s Not Too Late to Give the Gift of Presence

I have spent the better part of my life around my elders – my great grandparents, great aunts and uncles, grandparents, and the elderly members of my church and community. What I know now that I didn’t know then was each one of them gave me an intangible gift of their presence. I was never dismissed or overlooked by them, they made me feel important and interesting. Today, we call that “being seen.” We were not just physically together we were emotionally and spiritually together. They saw me and I learned to see them. They were fully present with me and that is a priceless gift that I still cherish to this day. 

I remember fleeing the city and landing on my great aunt Katie’s porch. It was the one place I could go and feel safe and loved. We had an agreement that she would not tell anyone I was there. She and I would sit on the porch and talk until the lightening bugs came out. Sometimes we just sat and listened to the radio. I wrote lots of letters and sent lots of cards when I couldn’t leave the city. It kept our connection going even across the miles. I had the same kind of relationship with my great uncle Fred. I loved to hear the stories of his travels and his work. He is the only one of my relatives that drove all the way from Tennessee to California to see me. He and I shared a love of gospel music and antique things. I could tell these two people anything in confidence. They listened with their hearts and shared their lives generously. Lord, I miss them, but memories of their presence in my life brings me comfort and peace even now.

These days it seems that we spend far too much time and energy trying to give tangible gifts. We seem to believe material things are the best gifts. Perhaps we have been sucked in by the myriad of commercials that bombard the airways. Or perhaps it’s a matter of convenience, a quick transaction. It takes far less time to purchase a gift card than to sit and commune with someone. At any rate, we tend to use our purchasing power more than our interpersonal interactive power. Things get set aside, regifted, or simply forgotten over time. We tell ourselves it is the sentiment that counts, but is it really? How much more sentiment does the gift of one’s presence give? 

Activities, conversations, and time spent together are invaluable. I love when we sit around the table or in front of the fireplace talking about our experiences and dreams. Conversations that trigger fond and intimate memories is a remarkable treasure. When we spend time laughing or crying with people it creates a special bond. When we share activities together like fishing, or making cookies, or patch working a quilt, or playing a board game, we create memories that can be treasured for years to come. After the gift card is spent, or the gift is exchanged or packed away, the moment fades away and becomes a vague recollection of the season or occasion of the little time spent with the people we associate with. 

The tangible gifts we can recall are the gifts of thoughtfulness. Perhaps you received a handmade gift from your grandchild or a well-thought-out gift from a friend who knows all your favorite things. These kinds of gifts have presence attached to them. The giver knows you, loves you, and carefully chooses what they know you will like and cherish. For example, one of my dear friends and prayer partner gave me a beautiful glass bluebird last year. This year, she gave me an artist drawn calendar of birds for 2024. She knows I love birds and I’m an amateur bird watcher. There was no particular occasion, she saw these things and thought of me. Why? Because we have given each other the gift of presence for a number of years. She knows me. She cares for me. Just thinking of her right now brings a smile to my face. We have taken the time to invest in our friendship – real time and real communion. 

It’s not too late to give the gift of presence to someone in your life. Perhaps there is that friend you have been meaning to call and catch up with. Perhaps there is a relative you saw at the last family funeral, and you said: “Let’s not meet this way again, let’s get together soon.” Perhaps there’s an elderly neighbor who could use a little company every week or so. Or maybe there is someone in your life who has given you the gift or their presence and you’ve not taken the time to tell them what they mean to you. The gift of presence is intangible. The value of presence is an indescribably investment – one that you can carry with you for the rest of your life. 

Someone you know needs the gift of presence not because it’s the season of giving and getting, but because there is nothing like being known and seen, honored and appreciated, received and treasured. When you give the gift of presence you leave an indelible mark of true companionship and comradery that is priceless and continues to give for a lifetime. As long as you have breath, it’s never too late to give the gift of presence. 

May the New Year bring you many gifts of presence and in this case, it really is better to give than just receive. Happy 2024.