Tag: christmas

It’s Not Too Late to Give the Gift of Presence

~ boydwilsonpat ~ 2 Comments

I have spent the better part of my life around my elders – my great grandparents, great aunts and uncles, grandparents, and the elderly members of my church and community. What I know now that I didn’t know then was each one of them gave me an intangible gift of their presence. I was never dismissed or overlooked by them, they made me feel important and interesting. Today, we call that “being seen.” We were not just physically together we were emotionally and spiritually together. They saw me and I learned to see them. They were fully present with me and that is a priceless gift that I still cherish to this day. 

I remember fleeing the city and landing on my great aunt Katie’s porch. It was the one place I could go and feel safe and loved. We had an agreement that she would not tell anyone I was there. She and I would sit on the porch and talk until the lightening bugs came out. Sometimes we just sat and listened to the radio. I wrote lots of letters and sent lots of cards when I couldn’t leave the city. It kept our connection going even across the miles. I had the same kind of relationship with my great uncle Fred. I loved to hear the stories of his travels and his work. He is the only one of my relatives that drove all the way from Tennessee to California to see me. He and I shared a love of gospel music and antique things. I could tell these two people anything in confidence. They listened with their hearts and shared their lives generously. Lord, I miss them, but memories of their presence in my life brings me comfort and peace even now.

These days it seems that we spend far too much time and energy trying to give tangible gifts. We seem to believe material things are the best gifts. Perhaps we have been sucked in by the myriad of commercials that bombard the airways. Or perhaps it’s a matter of convenience, a quick transaction. It takes far less time to purchase a gift card than to sit and commune with someone. At any rate, we tend to use our purchasing power more than our interpersonal interactive power. Things get set aside, regifted, or simply forgotten over time. We tell ourselves it is the sentiment that counts, but is it really? How much more sentiment does the gift of one’s presence give? 

Activities, conversations, and time spent together are invaluable. I love when we sit around the table or in front of the fireplace talking about our experiences and dreams. Conversations that trigger fond and intimate memories is a remarkable treasure. When we spend time laughing or crying with people it creates a special bond. When we share activities together like fishing, or making cookies, or patch working a quilt, or playing a board game, we create memories that can be treasured for years to come. After the gift card is spent, or the gift is exchanged or packed away, the moment fades away and becomes a vague recollection of the season or occasion of the little time spent with the people we associate with. 

The tangible gifts we can recall are the gifts of thoughtfulness. Perhaps you received a handmade gift from your grandchild or a well-thought-out gift from a friend who knows all your favorite things. These kinds of gifts have presence attached to them. The giver knows you, loves you, and carefully chooses what they know you will like and cherish. For example, one of my dear friends and prayer partner gave me a beautiful glass bluebird last year. This year, she gave me an artist drawn calendar of birds for 2024. She knows I love birds and I’m an amateur bird watcher. There was no particular occasion, she saw these things and thought of me. Why? Because we have given each other the gift of presence for a number of years. She knows me. She cares for me. Just thinking of her right now brings a smile to my face. We have taken the time to invest in our friendship – real time and real communion. 

It’s not too late to give the gift of presence to someone in your life. Perhaps there is that friend you have been meaning to call and catch up with. Perhaps there is a relative you saw at the last family funeral, and you said: “Let’s not meet this way again, let’s get together soon.” Perhaps there’s an elderly neighbor who could use a little company every week or so. Or maybe there is someone in your life who has given you the gift or their presence and you’ve not taken the time to tell them what they mean to you. The gift of presence is intangible. The value of presence is an indescribably investment – one that you can carry with you for the rest of your life. 

Someone you know needs the gift of presence not because it’s the season of giving and getting, but because there is nothing like being known and seen, honored and appreciated, received and treasured. When you give the gift of presence you leave an indelible mark of true companionship and comradery that is priceless and continues to give for a lifetime. As long as you have breath, it’s never too late to give the gift of presence. 

May the New Year bring you many gifts of presence and in this case, it really is better to give than just receive. Happy 2024. 

Holiday Sensitivity

~ boydwilsonpat ~ Leave a comment

This is the time of year when everyone is bombarded by holiday sales and decorations weeks before the holidays begin. Everywhere you look there is red, green, gold, blue, and silver garland. Toys and small appliances sit on the end caps of every store shelf. Even the piped-in music invades the atmosphere with subliminal messages of whimsical dreams, glee, and laughter. Before we get off to a bad start, I want you to know I am not intrinsically opposed to any of this (well maybe the sales campaigns and ads); I am just calling for some sensitivity during these seasons of holiday cheer. 

During the week of the national Thanksgiving holiday, we lost one of the matriarchs of our family. Her death was very disheartening not only because it was unexpected, but because of what she represented in our family legacy. She was the last of my maternal great grandfather children. As we grieved and prepared for her memorial and the celebration of her life, I was struck by the incongruent sentiments of condolences and “Happy Thanksgiving.” People asked, how was our Thanksgiving, did we cook a lot, eat a lot, or host a large gathering. At times I felt trapped between my own grief and trying not to dampen the spirits of people who were enjoying the holiday season. They meant well and were simply pursuing polite conversation, but I was not in the mood for it. I wondered if they even noticed my countenance or my monosyllabic responses. Few were sensitive to my hesitations; even co-workers didn’t seem to notice the strain. 

There I was trying to be sensitive to the needs of others by keeping my bereavement to myself. There I was trying to make sure I didn’t spoil their holiday cheer. I reasoned with myself; they didn’t know my great aunt. They wouldn’t understand what she meant to our family legacy. They certainly weren’t in the mood for a long explanation concerning the impact of her death. So, the sensitive thing for me to do was grin and bear it. Right? The aftermath of this was a reminder that everyone is not experiencing a season of cheer just because it is listed on the calendar. 

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that sensitivity is needed more than ever. First and foremost, we don’t all celebrate the same holidays. There are at least twenty-nine (29) holidays between November 1st and January 15th for seven major religions. These include national, cultural, local, and international days of celebration. Secondly, many people are limited in how they participate in holiday events. Socio-economic circumstances, health issues, as well as displacement from home and family can affect one’s participation.  When you are struggling to survive financially, holidays are not a top priority. When you are struggling with chronic disease or dis-ease, cheer may evade you. Yet, we often overlook these things when we are focused on ourselves and our own expression of the seasons in our lives. 

Holiday sensitivity doesn’t mean we have to stop celebrating our own special days, weeks, or months, but it does mean we should allow space for those who do not share our enthusiasm. We can pay attention to the needs of others. We can watch how they respond when we greet them. We can ask questions about their lives and their celebrations. We can practice attentiveness. Does the person we are talking to seem sad or confused? Does the person seem preoccupied or different in any way from their “normal” selves? Perhaps they are less talkative. Perhaps they have something to share with you. Perhaps they are trying to be sensitive toward you while you are not being sensitive toward them. 

I was brought up in the generation where we were taught to look a person in the eye when you speak with them or when they speak to you. You can learn a lot by making eye contact with people and observing their body language. (Things you’ll never get from a test message, but that’s a subject for another day.) Holiday sensitivity reminds us to be careful not to offend others and at the same time not to be easily offended. ”Happy Holidays,” are not words of challenge. It simply acknowledges the possibility that we may or may not celebrate the same calendar days. If a person greets you with a specific holiday expression, accept the fact that this is their time of celebration. Their oversight usually isn’t personal. Most of all understand that many people are struggling with day-to-day stresses and pressure. Depression, inflation, grief, heartache, or other issues of anxiety may be a hinderance to their attention to celebratory situations around them. They may require a little empathy on our part. They may require a hand-up or a handout on our part. They may require genuine concern and friendship from us. They may sincerely require and desire to be included in our community and in our celebrations. Let’s be more sensitive to the needs of other whether it’s a regular day, a holy day, or a holiday. It will make for a better community. 

Be kind. Be neighborly. Be sensitive to those around you. Peace and Good Cheer to all. 

Mrs. Hadester Gregory
9/10/31 – 11/24/23