Tag: mental health

Hurry Up and Stop

~ boydwilsonpat ~ 2 Comments

I live in a rush-rush world. Everything feels like hurry up and do this or go there, but sometimes I have to make myself stop. While outside sources place demands on my life, I have to place demands on my own life as well for self-care, and nurturing relationships, and maintaining sanity. Because of my need for inner peace and wholeness I have to give up hurrying and simply stop the rush-rush life.

It is no wonder people call life a “rat race.” Like the rat running through a maze to get the cheese we have become accomplishment addicts. Some of us are chasing power and prestige while others are chasing prosperity and possessions. None of these pursuits are wrong until they become all consuming, so much so that our health and well-being is failing and our relationships are inconsequential. I saw some very shocking statistics the other day. It said only 2.7% of American adults have healthy lifestyles (Mayo Clinic Proceedings) meaning many of us struggle with chronic illnesses that could be prevented. Wow! Just 2.7%, the rest of us are too busy for self-care and healthy choices. (Check out the reports of the USDA, CDC, and the Bloomberg Healthiest Country Index.) Likewise, the number of divorces has increased annually (Modern Family Law, Purdue University) and our teens and young adults are dying by suicide at an alarming rate. (Jed Foundation, CDC, Yale School of Medicine). In other words, families are in crisis and people are self-destructing. Is this really the benefit of the Pursuit of Happiness? Are the “rat race” outcomes worth dying for?

Even if you don’t believe the statistics try taking a survey of your friends and family, your coworkers and neighbors, your classmates and associates. How many of them are dealing with chronic diseases like diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, and cardiopulmonary issues? How many of them have ulcers and migraines? How many of them have problems in their marriage or have been married more than two times? How many of them have “wayward” children, troubled teenagers or babies in daycare eight to eleven hours a day? What are the mental health issues among your inner circle? Don’t forget to count yourself in the survey. Chasing the dream without balance is costly in a variety of ways. The rats want to live long enough to enjoy the cheese, right? That’s why it’s past time to hurry up and stop.

I have been struggling with insomnia for about a month. Everyone keeps asking me what am I worried or anxious about. My doctor suggest upgrading my antidepressants. My nutritionist suggested giving up caffeine and chocolate. Other well meaning friends suggested chamomile, melatonin, warm milk, a cruise, and a spiritual retreat. All these helpful ideas required some soul searching on my part. Was I stressing or worrying over something consciously or unconsciously? Was I depressed beyond my usual levels and struggles with depression? Was this the source of my inability to sleep? Had I increased my intake of caffeine or chocolate over the past couple of months, if so was that related to anxiety? I finally came to the conclusion that it was none of those things. What I needed was time for myself and to myself. This is not a new concept for me, I just have to remind myself from time to time. I needed quality time away from all the outside sources that were plaguing me to do, to go, and to be on call and in action 24/7. I needed to stop trying to be all things to all people and become my own self-advocate to rest, relax, and recreate. I love the Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of recreate. It says, “to give new life or freshness, to refresh.” That’s exactly what I needed – to refresh my soul.

For those of you who follow me on social media you’ve seen my bird drawings. Drawing brings me inner joy and peace, mostly because I’m not thinking about anything else. I can’t multitask and draw. I can’t concentrate on anything except the shading, the lines, the colors, and bringing the bird to life. For me, self-care is not just getting a manicures or pedicures or a message. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of those but they are not enough. That’s just outside care like paint on a broke down car. Self-care starts on the inside. It is nurturing my mind with the sacred word or a good book, It’s using my creative skills to crochet a gift for a friend or family member. It’s spending time with my husband listening to a nice jazz combo. It’s going out to dinner with my mom and discovering new restaurants outside of our community. It’s sitting or walking on the bank of a river or lake feeling the elements on my skin and enjoying the Creator’s tapestry. It’s snapping pictures of wildlife and flowers. (View my gallery.) It’s bird watching, playing with children, spending time with my grand children and the people I love. It’s praying while I gaze into the morning sky or while listening to the night sounds. These things nurture my soul and fuel my ability to do the things I do in the marketplace and in the community. These things help me to work from a place of fullness rather than laboring from a place of emptiness. These things enrich my life so that my contentment and joy does not rest solely on what I am able to accomplish in a day or a week or a year. These things stabilize my health, my relationships, and my spiritual wellbeing. These things give me a refresh after the outside sources have tried to suck the life out of me. All I have to do is hurry up and stop the striving, and the multitasking, and the plethora of communication through technology, and the non-stop priorities of outside sources until I can achieve balance with my own priorities.

We have the ability to change our expectations of ourselves and at the same time change the expectation of others. So much of what we do is because we have allowed ourselves and others to think overworked, overstimulated,, and over committed is the norm. Just as we learned to believe these things about ourselves, we (and they) can learn to believe something different, They can learn that we are talented but our time for work is limited. They can learn that we have fortitude and tenacity but we also have personal priorities. They can learn that our start time also has a stop time when we minister the word “no” with firmness and care. They can even learn to hurry up and stop themselves.

Tell me what you think about all this? I’d love to hear from you.

PEACE AND RESTORATION

“We’re not just designed just to work all day and run a rat race. We’re designed to be in community, to volunteer, to vote, to raise our kids. And I think the more inputs and investments we can give in people to do those things, the better off we are as a community.” – Michael Tubbs

My drawing of a Baltimore Oriole

What Do You See?

~ boydwilsonpat ~ Leave a comment

It’s weird to me that you don’t realize how much your vision has changed until you get a new pair of glasses. It’s like the room lights up or gets brighter with your new lens. It’s really amazing the difference it can make. Yet, we may put off getting an eye exam until we have to admit we aren’t seeing things as clearly as we should. That was me; I put off eye surgery until it was evident that I couldn’t see clearly enough to drive or read among other things. I had no choice I had to do something about my vision.

Have you ever asked yourself, what am I not seeing? Even when we have 20/20 vision, we may not be seeing things as clearly as we should or understand what we do see. In the early years of my marriage, I remember my husband, who is a fine artist, trying to get me to see the many colors of green in nature. At first, I couldn’t see it. Green was green, but finally I began to notice the distinctions between dark green, light green, yellow green, and so forth. For the first time all the colors in a box of crayons made sense to me. I’m serious, I always asked myself why anyone needed more than eight crayons; a box of twenty-four or more was crazy to me. There were all these varied colors around me, but I was not seeing them. Whenever someone would point out something that I hadn’t seen or noticed I would simply say, “I’m not a visual person, I’m more of an auditory person.” The truth was probably I didn’t want to see it or didn’t care enough to look.

I wonder how many other people are like that. They either don’t see or can’t see the world around them. Perhaps they have never been challenged to really look for the subtle nuisances like my husband challenged me to see the color green. Perhaps they need a corrective lens to truly see the things around them. Or maybe they believe it is crazy to care about such things – that involvement and participation is like a box of sixty-four crayons, too excessive. However, if a positive difference is going to be made in our Beloved Community we must refocus our eyes and understand what’s really happening around us, around our children, and around our world not just globally but communally.

Certain life events have a way of opening our eyes. The Pandemic was one of those events. It not only helped us to see how quickly disease could spread, but it also helped us to see the education of our children in a different light. It showed us the vulnerability of the senior citizens in our community, and it exposed the necessity and sacrifice of what we now call “first responders” and “critical workers.” It also showed us how rural areas were cut off from necessary resources including technology. Our eyes were opened to mental health issues in every age group as well. For sure, the Pandemic made us see some things for the first time. However, many of those things were right before our eyes before the Pandemic and are still quite visible after the Pandemic so we have to ask ourselves “What am I not seeing and why am I not seeing it?”

Grief is raging in the lives of families who have suffered lost whether by natural disasters, accidents, or unexpected violence. Fear has a grip on our children and our senior adults because the definition of safety is ever changing. Scarcity is challenging the security of families whose jobs no longer offer longevity or elevation in pay or position. Every community is experiencing a shortage of peace offices, firefighters, nurses, and teachers. Politics on all sides has become a competition of rhetoric and citizens are becoming disillusioned with the whole process. So, what are we looking at and what will it take for us to see what is really going on? More importantly, how are we going to respond to what we see? And if you are an auditory person like me, how will we respond to what we hear?

I’ve learned from my husband and my art instructor that lighting makes a big difference in how a work is perceived. When the light is right it can highlight the details, but when it’s not right it can cause the observer to miss the details and other components of the art. Perhaps we are waiting for others to shine the light on the needs of our community but waiting has a price that we cannot afford. If we treasure our families and our communities, we must be willing to take a good look around us and activate our citizenry through volunteerism, through civic involvement, through educating others, and through challenging everyone in our sphere of influence to do the same.

What do I see? I see opportunities to do better. I see legacy in our elders. I see possibilities in posterity. I see work for my hands to do. What about you? What do you see? I would love to hear from you.

The color green is associate with nature, growth, and vitality. Figuratively, I hope we will all see more of the color green in our world. Peace and Restoration.

Fighting Loneliness

~ boydwilsonpat ~ Leave a comment

Can you believe I’ve never felt loneliness like this before? I’ve always had a friend or a relative, I could turn to when I needed someone. I guess being an only child helped me to see aloneness as a plus. It’s typically a familiar place of content. I always had my books and my pets to keep me company. Yet, in these beginning days of summer, I find myself experiencing loneliness.

I don’t feel isolated like during the pandemic, and I’m certainly not friendless. My immediate family is very near, and my closest friends are just a phone call away. I also have mobility of body and transportation. Yet, I have a loneliness of soul. It feels like all my confidantes are gone – like all those persons who knew me inside out are deceased. I find myself longing to talk to them, to be with them. I miss the comradery of just sitting in their presence. We didn’t have to speak. We could just be. To be honest, maybe it’s not loneliness, maybe it’s grief. Loneliness and grief seem to go hand in hand if the people you long for are gone from your life.

The other day my grandson stopped by to say goodbye before starting his round-the-world trip to Oregon. We talked about all of the stops he planned to make along the way. When he said, Tennessee, he paused. Then he said he remembered how we went to Memphis every year to see Uncle Fred. He said, “I miss that, I miss him.” Me too. I miss my Uncle Fred so much. He was always glad to see me – all of us – and he never failed to welcome us into his home, into his pride-filled loving deportment. Sometimes we’d sit on the patio and watch his cats chase one another. The sweet smell of bougainvillea clinging to the air and the drone of the TV in the room behind us brought such peace and comfort to me. That kind of quiet and love was found on the porches of so many of my great relatives, I miss that the most.

I wonder if my ninety-three-year-old mom feels this loneliness since the world has changed so much in her lifetime. I wonder if she’s lonely for the friends and family she has outlived. I wonder if she misses the traditions of writing and receiving letters and cards or eating tomato sandwiches while talking about childhood adventures. She talks about people from her past a lot and she loves to explain old pictures of herself and her cousins.

Personally, I miss the smells of great-grandma’s kitchen and the smell of Prince Albert from great-grandpa’s pipe. I miss the humming of my grandmother’s no-name songs and the whine and tang of my grandfather’s voice. I miss the flowers that my cousin used to draw while we sat on my great aunt’s porch fanning flies. I miss writing letters and sharing my dreams with an aunt who called me her Aunt Tricia. I miss seeing my godmother and the quilts that she made with her church friends. All those days are gone and there’s no way to get them back because the people and the places are gone. Memories are nice, but they leave a sense of loneliness that nothing in my life today can fill.

I guess that’s why I write nostalgic fiction and narrative poetry. It helps me recapture the familiar. It helps me fight the loneliness. It brings those memories from yester-year into the present. I’m so thankful for old photos, letters, and cards that make me smile and feel the closeness of those old days. It’s like a hug from the past. That’s why it is so important to me that we (all of us) share our family stories with each generation. We shouldn’t let these memories die. Here’s a quote from Paul Tsongas, I like, “We are a continuum. Just as we reach back to our ancestors for our fundamental values, so we, as guardians of the legacy, must reach ahead to our children. And we do so with a sense of sacredness in that reaching.”

I’ve learned to fight loneliness in my own way. Trust me, these are not recommendations for anyone; it is just what works for me. I read the letters and cards that I’ve saved over the years. I share family pictures with my relatives and ask them to share pictures with me. I talk to elderly people in the community and ask them about their lives and experiences. I take walks in cemeteries. I read the epitaphs and dates on the headstones. I save and re-read obituaries. I read southern gothic literature. I participate in family reunions and call on my living relatives and friends. Lastly, I allow myself to cry when I feel sad and lonely.

I guess we all deal with loneliness from time to time, but we don’t have to deal with it alone. Let someone know how you are feeling. Writing can be cathartic too. There is always help in our Beloved community. If you would like to share how you fight loneliness, I’d love to hear it. Peace and Safety to all.

The Far Away Place

~ boydwilsonpat ~ 2 Comments

Have you ever found your body present in a location and yet you felt far away? I don’t just mean your thoughts are far away from the position of your body, but all of you feels at a distance from everyone and everything around you. It’s almost like you are watching yourself from another dimension. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately – far, far away. Sometimes I see myself moving from project to project or room to room without making a connection with anything around me. This could be compassion fatigue. It could be a defense mechanism or perhaps it’s depression. Maybe it is simply an emotional disconnect to protect myself from the next harsh thing, but it feels like a distant place.

While I was away, I worked on writing and finishing my latest book of short stories and poetry, Talk from the Family Tree. (It’s in the editing process now.) I also worked in the classroom with my elementary school students, my GED students, and my Life Class participants. I’m not sure how much of this was ritual and habit, and how much was innovative teaching. There were days I tried to zone out at home on video games or TV shows such as holiday cooking contests. I prepared meals for the family, petted and walked my dogs, washed clothes, and read a couple of books. Still, I felt absent and far away from every task. I was moving along the continuum of my life without truly participating in my life. I missed my blog, and I missed my friends. I also missed loving routines and conversations with my family. The only thing I was truly able to focus on was crocheting. I made a lap mat for a friend’s birthday, and a loop scarf for a holiday gift. Now I’m working on a winter scarf and hat.

Crocheting forced me to concentrate on the stitches and the number of rows needed to complete the items. It takes my mind off worrisome issues like critical health issues of family members and the death of a legacy member of our community. Crocheting is a land of double crochet, single crochet, turn begin new row. Yet, I would use up a skein without realizing it and have to pull some of my work out to add a new skein. I was always shocked that the thread ran out without warning. So, I guess I wasn’t fully there either.

Perhaps these feelings of being far away was just wishful thinking on my part. Sometimes I bring up some soothing instrumental jazz on YouTube with a warm cabin scene and a picture window to watch the rain or snow fall. There would a fireplace and a cup of coffee or hot chocolate on the table along with an overstuffed chair or couch. The fireplace and window are my favorite parts. I could easily picture myself sitting there enjoying the solitude, the scenery, and the music. These times are so peaceful I can feel myself relaxing just thinking about them. They remind me that the faraway place does exist and may be only a cabin rental away.

Some people would describe this state of away-ness as melancholy. According to the Oxford Dictionary, melancholy is “a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.” While the Free Dictionary and the Merriam Webster Dictionary describes melancholy as “a gloomy state of mind, characterized by depression of spirits and dejection.” In ancient times melancholia was treated by bloodletting baths, exercise, and diet. Attempts were made to relieve the body of too much black bile. Some even theorized that melancholy came from the supernatural realm such as ghosts and demons. In that case a hole was drilled in the person’s head to release the evil spirits. Today, melancholy fits into a broad field of mental illnesses and is treated with talk therapy and/or antidepressants. While I am not a doctor, I know that research is ongoing to fine the cure and causes of major depressive disorder. Depression can stem from biological, psychological. and socio-emotional factors. No two cases are necessarily alike. Thank God we live in a time when the stigma is dying out and therapee is more readily available.

Am I depressed, or experiencing melancholy? I don’t think so. At least this does not feel like the bouts I’ve had with depression in the past. Maybe I just need a vacation from the rat race. Or perhaps I need some respite time away from being a caregiver, a teacher, or the “go-to” person. Perhaps I need to reinvent myself again. I do miss having my own business and calling my own shots. For certain, I need my Sabbath rest; being on 24/7 is not good for anyone. We’ve allowed multitasking and being connected to technology to take over our lives eliminating our time to renew, rest, and reflect. We need to give ourselves time to just “be.” I needed time to just “be.”

I am learning to allow myself to just “be.” I don’t need to over analyze my state of being, nor do I need to seek immediate changes in my lifestyle. I can simply trust my circadian rhythm to regulate the function of my mind and body. Intuitively and internally, my body and mind know when I need to rest, when I need nutrition, warmth, and natural light. Through the years I have learned how prayer and nature soothe my soul. I can rely on the Holy Scriptures to center and ground me when tests and trials challenge me. So, it’s okay to allow myself to retreat to the far away place until I’m ready to fully engage and connect to the here and now again. Afterall, I am still functioning in the present while my heart and spirit are shielded by the barrier of tranquility in a distance dimension. This is my coping mechanism nothing more, nothing less.

How do you give yourself a break from harsh realities? Do you meditate, exercise, go to a retreat center, call your parents, read poetry, cry in your bubble bath, or speed down the freeway like a race car driver leaving your troubles behind? How do you cope with unpleasant things and high demand? Do you see your therapist? Do you physically remove yourself or mentally disconnect? I would love to hear from you.

Shalom and Happy Holidays and Holy Days.

PS: Here’s a couple of titles you may enjoy reading:

Protect Your Peace

~ boydwilsonpat ~ 4 Comments

Not too long ago I was talking to my oldest granddaughter about some family matters and was suggesting she get involved. She surprised me when she said, “No thanks I have to protect my peace.” When I asked her what she meant by that she explained how certain situations and people sabotage your peace by making their issues your issues or by creating drama where there should be no drama at all. That conversation made me evaluate my boundaries. Was I protecting my peace or giving others permission to take it away.

These days peace is a precious commodity. There is so much chaos in our world. Admittedly, some of it is people creating unnecessary drama and some of it is the result of community trauma. The source of the loss of peace can be the daily news broadcast or unfounded theories and speculation about the future by religious leaders. Gossip can be a peace thief as well as worry and anxiety. General bad news about the economy, politics, the housing market, the educational system, food contamination, and automobile call-backs bombard the walls of our peace. Family or personal illness may be the culprit as well. Still, it’s really up to us to protect our peace. It’s up to us to determine what things we allow to reside in our minds and rob us of our peace. We choose the importance of an issue, and we choose the exposure we want to have to peace disrupters.

During the worst days of the Pandemic, my mom became an avid news watcher. The things she saw on TV upset her terribly. Sometimes she thought the repeated stories were new events and that made it worst. I asked her to stop watching the news so much and to watch things like cooking shows and game shows especially before bedtime. The daily local and world news was affecting her sleep, her appetite, and her general peace of mind. There seemed to be nothing but bad news. There are many people who act like the news broadcast, they are the source of bad news in our lives. Whenever you see them or talk to them, they have nothing but upsetting news to report. Their media feeds are filled with it; they have negative opinions about everything. They have the same effect that watching the news had on my mom and we must choose to turn them off.

It may be hard for you to think about cutting people off, especially family members, but healthy boundaries create healthy lives. Our minds can only take so much stress before it takes its toll physically and mentally. That’s why setting boundaries in relationships is important. We should set our expectations when interacting with others, as well as they should set their expectations for interacting with us. This will ensure our physical and emotional comfort and clarify individual responsibilities in the relationship. For example, I refuse to discuss politics with anyone because political discussions have become so divisive. This is my personal opinion and my personal choice. I do not ask others to follow my preference, I simply let them know where I stand and quietly bow out of the conversation. I cannot be prodded into joining a conversation about politics. If my boundary is not respected, I physically remove myself from the company of that person or persons.

Sometimes protecting your peace means using what you already know about a situation or an individual. If you know certain people like to keep confusion and chaos going, avoid their company. If you know someone whose pastime is arguing. Avoid group conversations with them. Avoid having to be defensive in relationships and don’t be afraid to tell people about your boundaries. You don’t have to offend them or ask them to change. It’s really about you and not about them. They are allowed to be who they want to be. You can simply say, “I would rather not have this discussion.” Or “Please excuse me I have to leave now.” Or “thanks for the invitation, but I won’t be able to come.” We can find creative ways to protect our peace.

I would be remised if I didn’t also say we should hold close those people and surroundings that bring us peace. Certain people and places make you feel comfortable and welcomed. Around them you can be your authentic self, and you know they are being authentic with you. Or perhaps there’s a place that calms your spirit and bring back that peace of mind you long for. My best friend is one of those people. We can talk or not talk when we are together, it’s comfortable and we have genuine love and respect for one another. We can enjoy many things together because we have similar likes and dislikes. I’m peaceful in her presence. Most of you know my go to place for peace is the river or the ocean, but truly any source of nature brings peace to my soul. I have my desk facing the window so I can see the trees and the birds in my backyard (and the creek waters in the rainy season). So, it’s not just about blocking boundaries, it’s also about opening boundaries to let the right things in.

Do you have peace in your life? Are you the source of confusion and chaos or is it another person or group? Is your peace important to you? Do you savor peaceful moments? Do you know how to protect your peace? I would love to hear your perspective on this topic. In the meantime, may peace abound in your life more and more,

Be Safe. Be Kind. Be peaceful.

Sunset Over the Ocean

Self-Improvement

~ boydwilsonpat ~ 1 Comment

Several days ago, I read an article about doing something to better yourself every day. I was intrigued and shared this with my family members. Everyone assented to the idea, but as of the writing of this blog no one has changed anything about their daily routine. (watching TV, eating out of boredom, and following social media posts). How do we get stuck in such ruts? We want to move forward in life, but we lack the will power or the motivation to get up and go for it. I want to do more to improve myself, how about you? What do you do to improve yourself? (Please share.)

When days go by, and I find I haven’t done any of the things I had planned or thought about doing, I get a little depressed. I become disappointed in myself and frustrated. I usually have no one else to blame but myself. I sit in my recliner watching reruns on TV or playing video games on my phone rather than doing something constructive. I have books to read. I have a blog to update. I have a book to finish. I have people I need to contact for lunch or brunch. I have volunteer work to do. Yet, there I sit vegetating. No creativity, no challenges, no interest, no fun. Why can’t I get moving? Why do I allow myself to fall into a rut of doing nothing? Could it be fear of failure? Could it be lack of motivation? Could it be a medical imbalance? Could it be tiredness from a lack of sleep and rest? Or is it depression manifesting itself again? Sometimes I think it’s all of the above.

My husband works on his art every day when he comes home from his eight-hour job. He says, “Don’t let me get close to my chair, because once that happens, I won’t get anything done.” His recliner is a place of comfort, but it’s also a place of procrastination and complacency. It’s easy to put things off for later. but he doesn’t let that chair conquer his desire to be productive. He can be proud and fulfilled through the process and progress of each finished piece. (www.donwilsonartist900.com) When he does take a break, it’s planned and a much needed.

I finally got out of my rut. I began working on my blog and planning for the completion of my book. I worked on class notes for my GED students and got out of the house to enjoy the spring flowers. I went to the salon and enjoyed a message and mani/pedicure. Doing something to better yourself is not always work, it’s the things that bring you joy, fulfillment, peace, and thoughtfulness (or maybe that’s mindfulness). It is also taking care of your health both physically and mentally. It’s being engaged with others and taking the time to live in the moment. It’s working toward your purpose and using your gifts and talents for the best outcome. It’s feeding your soul with spiritual nourishment.

Self-improvement can take many forms. It can start by freeing up time in your schedule or calendar. You may need to reinstate a reasonable bedtime so that your body gets restorative rest. You may need to change your routines as it relates to eating or device usage. You may need to add some self-care components to your schedule. Perhaps you need to listen to new podcasts or watch some documentaries. You may need to institute some healthy life-giving habits like meditation, exercise, or prayer. You may need to treat yourself to a vacation or a retreat. Perhaps you need to join a group of like-minded people who can communicate in the language of your skills and talents. Whatever you decide, you can always change it if it’s not working. And don’t forget to expect the unexpected. There will be interruptions and I can tell you firsthand they can derail your entire plan. So, don’t be afraid to pick up the pieces and start again.

Self-improvement should never really stop. We should do something to better ourselves every day. It doesn’t have to take hours; it could be the few minutes it takes to read an article. None of us are too young or too old to make changes. None of us are so mentally stagnant that we can’t create new goals personally and professionally. Whatever causes you to fall into a rut of inactivity can be changed by simply making up your mind to take the first small step. For some of us, it’s a daily fight.

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/71D8O9DinpL._AC_UY218_.jpg

Miracles in the Mundane *

~ boydwilsonpat ~ Leave a comment

            I have always had some disdain for pat sayings like, “Don’t forget to smell the roses.”  First of all, there were no roses in the concrete courtyards where I grew up.  There were also no roses in the deep south where my relatives farmed from sunup to sundown.  So even if I didn’t forget to smell the rose, I couldn’t find the roses.  Yet now, so many years later, I have learned to appreciate such sayings.  Using mental exercises and developing defense mechanisms to overcome and defeat depression, I have learned to smell the proverbial roses.  I call these exercises looking for miracles in the mundane.  

            Looking for the miracles in the mundane started with me noticing how well and whole I felt out in nature.  This is also when my amateur hobby as a photographer began.  Little things that often go unnoticed by others gained my attention.  Questions about those things brought them into greater focus.  Why does that tree’s leaves turn golden in the fall while another tree’s leaves turn red?  How long do turtles swim in the lake with only their little heads at the surface?  Why can’t chickens fly, after all they have wings?  I began snapping pictures of everything that intrigued my curiosity. (Visit the gallery on this site to few a view of my pictures.) Thus, came thousands of pictures of roses, not proverbial roses, but real roses. 

            As I traveled the states fulfilling my bucket list to spend time in all fifty states, I made botanical gardens one of my “must-see” destinations.  Through the camera lens I discovered all roses were not the same.  Their shapes were different.  Their colors varied, and their scents were not the same.  There are so many varieties of roses, and each of them have their own unique characteristics and features.  With a little research, I found out that new roses were being introduced all the time.  Botanists crossbreed certain varieties to develop yet another type of rose. 

As if all these roses weren’t enough, I began to find bugs and butterflies in my photographs.  In Chicago, I found birds in my pictures.  In Alabama, I got sidetracked by waterlilies which lead to ducks, geese, and swans.  Since I’m naturally curious (my kids say my best gift is interrogation), I began researching what birds are indigenous to Georgia.  This started a new hobby, amateur bird watching.  I have photographs of cardinals, robins, woodpeckers, peacocks, geese, a variety of ducks, yellow warblers, blue jays, trashers, and hummingbirds.  Of course, I still don’t know why the males are so colorful while the females are brown or gray.  I suppose it’s a way of protecting the mothers from predators, but I like the idea that the males have to sport their wears to attract the females and keep their attention. 

In nature, one thing always leads to another for me like the pattern of river water flowing over boulders; the snow melt flowing down the mountain side; the colorful fall leaves from tree to tree and state to state; the ebb and flow of ocean water, the beauty of a moth or a butterfly; little brown rabbits eating my mom’s garden plants; baby deer frightened by their own shadow; squirrels playing chase in a nearby tree; pigeons having a parking lot scavenger hunt, and my dog snuggling next to me to chase my blues away.  These are all miracles in the mundane. 

Every day we walk right by miracles:  wildflowers growing on the hillside, children laughing and playing, an elderly couple looking passionately into each other’s eyes, a prism of color in a puddle mixed with motor oil, a lizard sunning himself in the driveway, the brightness of a full moon, the pictures in the clouds floating overhead, and our own reflections in the mirror.  The miracles in the mundane help us to remember there really isn’t anything mundane. 

The mundane is in our way of thinking.  If we allow ourselves to lose interest in the world around us, we miss the miracles.  If we allow ourselves to be thrill seekers, we reduce every miracle to something boring and monotonous.  This becomes our loss.  The best things and people around us go unnoticed not because they are not there, but because we have closed our eyes to the mystery and wonder that surrounds us.  So, here’s my suggestion, “Don’t forget to smell the roses.” 

  • Reprint from DeKalb Voices Review, 2023 with revisions.

Finding Balance

~ boydwilsonpat ~ 1 Comment
Image result for Free Clip Art Balance Scale

In my mind’s eye I picture a scale where the heavy side is about to tip the entire apparatus over. On one side there is so little, and on the other side it is loaded with clutter. Sometimes, this scale represents the worrisome thoughts that overload and throw off any peace I may have had. This usually ends in a night of insomnia. Other times, it’s a heavy load of creative ideas that just won’t stop coming. This is my writer’s flaw – thinking and re-thinking story lines. At any rate trying to find balance can be quite difficult. My mental scale is always swinging and seldom fully balanced.

I would love to say I have found the key to finding balance, but that is so far from the truth, that I can’t even attempt a fictitious version of that story. The best I can do is talk about recognizing when it’s time to take something off the scale. For me that looks like full conversations with myself better known as introspection. “What’s going on with you, Pat? Are you stressed? Do you have too many projects going on at once? Are you working on fumes due to lack of sleep? Are you carrying someone else’s burdens? Have you taken the time to prioritize things – first things first? Do you need some help? Have you asked for help? What’s the real deal?” These questions usually slow me down enough to consider why my world is out of balance.

One of the most common things that weighs me down is saying yes to too many things. Too many good things are just as harmful as too many bad things. Before you know it, you have agreed to do more than you have the time to do or more than you want to make the time to do. Whether work or volunteerism, the tendency to overcommit can definitely throw your mental and emotional scales out of balance. Getting to the root reason of why we can’t say no is a critical one. Relationships that can’t handle an occasional no may be relationships that need to be reconsidered. Yet, it is up to us to prioritize our activities and our relationships. Date books are very old school, but I find I do a much better job of balancing my life and my time by keeping a calendar in front of me. Before I give answers about my availability, I literally check my availability. Whether it’s your smart phone calendar, a day planner, or sticky notes on the window, it’s important to plan and schedule your commitments realistically.

Have you ever overscheduled yourself? I have, too many times. Recently, I agreed to pick up my granddaughter from college for her spring break, signed up to attend a writer’s conference, and committed to fill in for a teacher friend all on the same dates. All of these things are important to me. They all need to be done. Yet, it is impossible for me to be in Tennessee, Georgia, and North Carolina at the same time. As I was saying yes to my teacher friend, I had this nagging feeling that the dates were an issue, but instead of looking at my calendar I agreed to do it. Now I have a dilemma. The writer’s conference is definitely out. Perhaps I can get someone else in the family to pick up my granddaughter, but asking someone to drive to Tennessee is not a small thing. Perhaps I can find someone to work in my place for my teacher friend. I haven’t worked any of this out yet. On top of being over committed, I feel bad because I’ve got to let someone down. The scales are leaning.

Yesterday, I had the thought: I don’t want to be needed anymore. That is evidence that I need to find that balance that keeps me mentally and emotionally stable. Balance includes work, leisure, rest, relationships, personal discipline (This will link you to my blog entitled: A Disciplined Life), quiet time, and personal getaways. I love those signs that say: “Live, Laugh, and Love.” True balance has to have those elements as well. Finding balance isn’t a one-time event. It is a practice in daily living. So don’t beat yourself up, just find a strategy that works for you. Whether you use a day planner or introspection, therapy or a life coach, you can change the weight of your scales.

Say yes when it’s right for you. Say no when it’s best for you. Make the rest of your life, the best of your life. Manage your scales in a way that brings you peace, joy, and fulfillment.

What if you could choose how you want to feel as opposed to simply reacting to the reality that surrounds you? Amazon

Where I Belong

~ boydwilsonpat ~ 1 Comment

Being a part of a support group for care providers, I have heard people of all ages talk about feelings of not belonging. They would say things like: “I don’t know where I fit in” or “I’m really not a part of the group, I just help out where I can.” That feeling of not belonging becomes a stumbling block for building strong relationships. It makes you shy away from sharing and being a part of a harmonious group. We all like to know where we belong and where we fit in because everyone hates the feeling of being left out.

As an only child, I can remember making myself feel quite sad because of classmates and friends who had great relationships with their siblings (as least from my perspective). Those kids seem to have a special place in life; they were part of a whole that I had never known. I would imagine what it would be like to have a big brother or little sister. I imagined never being alone, and always having someone to talk to after school and on the weekends. I would imagine how they would always take up for me and include me in all their fun. These kinds of feelings make some people resentful, but I think these thoughts depressed me. I became unhappy with everything. I believed I was an outsider; I believed that my friends and classmates didn’t really want me around because they had siblings so why would they need me. Little by little, I began isolating myself from others including social groups that I was a member of.

One day, my best friend’s mother explained self-fulfilling prophecy to me. She said, “You think you’re alone, so you make yourself alone, then you say see no one wants to be with me. You said it, so you made it happen.” I was stunned. “You mean I’m doing it to myself?” I was. I allowed the thoughts in my head to override the reality of my life. Truth was my best friend’s mom made me feel like one of her kids. My best friend’s siblings treated me like an additional sibling. They never treated me like an outsider. My best friend and I are still friends after all these years, but more importantly that family taught me to understand and enjoy where I belonged.

I belonged to a glee club; I sang first soprano I belonged to that section of singers. I belonged to a karate dojo; I earned a brown belt and I belonged to that school of martial arts. I belonged to a church and served as a junior usher. I belonged to Angel Flight as a member in good standing. From those early middle school and high school days I learned to belong to many groups, circles, and communities. I learned where I belonged was where I truly wanted to be – my sorority, my prayer group, my support groups, my church, the PTA, the writer’s club, on the mission field, serving the homeless, married with children, grandparents raising grandchildren. I belong in my family and family has expanded exponentially because I want others to belong with me. I know where I belong each and every day whether alone or with others,

Perhaps this season of holidays has you questioning where you belong? Perhaps you are suffering from SAD (Season Affective Disorder – a mood disorder that happens at the same time every year). If so, maybe you should ask yourself if you are creating a space of self-fulfilling prophecy. Are you isolating yourself from the places and people where you already belong – your church, your synagogue, your temple, your community center, your bowling league, your neighborhood gym, your sewing circle, your golf buddies, your walking club, your virtual cooking class, your book club, your blood family, lunch with your siblings, daddy’s day out, your tailgate friends, your 12-step program. Where you belonged before, you can belong again. You can even create new places and groups where you want to belong in the future. You are only limited by the thoughts in your head, and please don’t be afraid to discuss those thoughts with someone. That may be the very thing you need to set you free to enjoy where you belong.

Over the years, I have developed deep friendships with people who are only children like me. Each of us have reached the age of old refined wine, and each of us have fulfilling and joyful lives. We belong to each other like sisters and brothers from another mother. We belong to organizations, programs and groups that satisfies our creativity and interests. We belong to the culture around us expressed through the arts and academia. We belong to our community as contributors to a better society. We are not alone. We are not left out. We are not isolated. We are right where we belong today and prepared to be right where we belong tomorrow as we grow and mature.

My wish for each of you is to understand and know where you belong in this season of your life (not just this season of the year). I hope you will find and maintain your place in your neighborhood, in the “Beloved” community, in the global community, and in your immediate world.

Peace, Love, Joy, Hope. Happy Holy Days!

Keeping It Moving!

~ boydwilsonpat ~ Leave a comment

Everyday I have to remind myself to “keep it moving!” I’ve been going through a hard spell lately, and I can’t seem to stay focused or motivated. Of course, I asked myself all the usual questions: am I depressed, am I distressed, am I angry, am I tired, am I burned out. What am I? Too often the answer doesn’t come easy. Sometimes I survey others to see what they are doing to stay motivated, to keep it moving. I found out I wasn’t the only one having this problem, but I also got some great suggestions.

One person suggested that I stop watching the news. She said she could be in a good mood, but one hour of news would put her in a funk. Her suggestion made me take notice of how often the news repeats the same stories and yet, I was sitting through multiple broadcasts. (Why can’t we have an hour of good news repeated over and over again? ) Of course, it is important to keep up with current events, but it’s also important to evaluate whether the events are current or simply recycled for ratings. I cut my news time back to one channel, one cycle. Two things happened. It freed up some time to do other things, and I didn’t feel like I had missed anything. (Another friend suggested checking the headlines online and scrolling through the stories that interest me. However, I spend too much time on the computer everyday for work, so that wasn’t for me. Perhaps it’s an answer that will work for you.)

One of my co-workers gave me a cliche as a suggestion. “Take the time to smell the roses,” she said. I have to admit I had an inward sneer at this suggestion. Over several days she made her point. The first day she sent me a text that asked if I had seen the beautiful moon that morning. (We are both up at 5 o’clock.) I didn’t see the beautiful moon. The second day she sent a text that said, did you hear the birds singing this morning. I didn’t hear the birds singing. Then my mom got in on the act. She asked me if I had seen the white and pink roses growing in our front yard. I had not seen the roses. Indeed, I hadn’t taken the time to “smell the roses.”

I started lingering on the porch before I got in my car in the mornings. I saw the moon, the clouds, and I heard the birds singing. One morning, I heard a tingling sound. It was soft and sweet like small bells ringing. I thought to myself, what is that? I looked all around the front of the house but I couldn’t get a bead on it. Finally, I walked to the side of the garage and there it was – the silver wind chimes my mom and I hung many years ago. When had I stopped noticing the wind chimes? When was the last time I thought about its beautiful music or noticed the gentle breeze? I stood there amazed. I had been neglecting the things I love – nature, good books, photography, watching the morning and evening sky, and listening to the wind chimes – I had missed them all. I certainly want to keep moving, but I don’t want to fly by the things that bring me comfort and joy. Suddenly, I realized it wasn’t about just keeping it moving, it was about moving intentionally toward the things that were needed, as well as the things that fulfilled me.

As much as I harp on self-care, I had ceased to follow my own advice. I went to the nail salon to get a manicure and a pedicure for a Thursday night date with my husband. As I sat in the massage chair enjoying the reflexology, I tried to remember the last time I had gone to a spa or a salon. I couldn’t remember the last time. In fact, I couldn’t remember doing anything solely for myself. As soon as I got home, I signed up for a writer’s conference. Even though the conference wasn’t more thirty minutes from my house, I booked a hotel and enjoyed a luxury suite and gourmet food the entire weekend. The conference was great too.

Perhaps the point of this blog entry is to redefine “Keeping It Moving.” What is my “it”? It can’t just be working from 9 to 5. It can’t just be the daily routine of taking care of the family. It can’t be my career as a writer alone. It has to be the total package – keeping my mind growing, keeping my creativity flowing, keeping my relationships in priority, keeping my spirit and soul refreshed, keeping my body healthy and rested. I have to remember my “it” isn’t just one thing; no one’s is. The thing that stagnates us or gets us in a rut is being out of balance with all that makes us who we are. We can’t focus on one aspect of our lives and still “keep it moving.”

How about you? What is your “it?” How do you “keep it going?” Perhaps your life, like mine, was thrown out of balance by the things you couldn’t do during the pandemic crisis. Perhaps the substitutes for personal social activities have fail us. Maybe it’s time to reassess what our personal activities are, and whether they are serving our needs. My suggestion is to discuss it with a few friends, family members, your counselor and/or your spiritual advisor. You may find that they have some suggestions that will set you free. Then you can start keeping it moving again from a new perspective.

I look forward to keeping it moving with you. Be safe and enjoy life while you’re keeping it moving.