multigenerational – The Good Word

Today I received a survey from my undergraduate alma mater. It asked questions about the foundations taught there and whether they helped me in life today. At first, I thought that was so long ago, I have no idea; but, to my surprise I remember a lot. My experience had been great and challenging. I remember my professors and classmates. Indeed I learned a lot that I still use today. I learned how to do research, write nonfiction essays and public speaking. I also learned other skills such as keeping a budget and utilizing my time wisely. There was so much more to my college experience than academics. The final survey question was: “Would you choose this college again, if you had the choice today?” I answered absolutely. I have no regrets. I would recommend that my college to anyone. (The Master’s University in California)

Wouldn’t it be great if we could say we don’t have any regrets at all? Unfortunately, regret seems to be a part of life. Whether it’s due to difficulties in relationships, poor career choices, personal habits, or failure to move when the opportunity presented itself, we all have some regret. The bigger question is, what have we learned? Have we grown, remained the same, or degenerated. I certainly hope I’ve grown; I try to live with no regrets.

As some of you know, I have been a care provider for many years. It began with my grandchildren and eventually included my grandmother and my mother-in-law. My husband and I have been a part of “The Sandwich Generation.” That’s when you are sandwiched between generations as a care provider. We had our grandchildren and our parents to take care of on a daily basis making us the middle of the sandwich. While everyday was not an easy day, we tried to make sure everyone felt loved and seen. We worked hard to offer the best quality of life that was possible for our infirmed elders and for our growing adolescents. We never let wheelchairs or highchairs stop us from laughing with or loving our family. The blessing in that is now we can look back with no regrets.

I have shared things about my relationship with my mom in the past. Eventually, the whole story will come out. (lol) Today, I just want to share one incident. When I was in my late twenty’s my mother came to visit me in Arizona. It was the first time we spent time together in a number of years. She still lived in Ohio. At any rate, as we were standing in the airport for her departure, I heard a voice clearly say, “You need to make amends because you will have to take care of her someday.” Well, to some degree that seemed obvious, after all I am an only child, but for some reason this message seemed to hold a deeper meaning. I cried, I prayed, and I tried to define the kind of care my mother would need so I could be prepared. As you well know, there are some things you just can plan for. Since I don’t want to get off track from the topic at hand, I’ll just bullet point some live events:

Mom’s dad, my grandfather, had a paralyzing stroke
Her mom, my grandmother, was losing her sight to glaucoma
Mom experienced a double home invasion
We moved all of them to Georgia (my mom, grandmother and grandfather)
My grandfather died in a nursing home
My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease

The day came when I knew my mom was in over her head. The stress of driving twenty miles to see my grandfather in his nursing home and taking care of my grandmother who was oppositional was taking its toll on her health. I realized if I didn’t step in, I was going to lose my mother too. My grandfather and grandmother were lost to me because Alzheimer’s had taken them away. I couldn’t stand by and let stress and exhaustion take my mother away. I needed to take care of her. The simplest way was to move her and my grandmother in with us. So, we sold our house (the house I loved) and she sold her house (the house she loved), and we bought the monstrosity we now live in. The grandchildren brought new life to my mom. She loved taking care of the baby while I dealt with my grandmother,

Maybe I’ll tell the rest of this story in the future. The point is, my mom and I have no regrets. We each took care of our loved ones to the best of our ability. We made decisions with their best interest in mine. The sacrifices we made allowed all of us to have a better quality of life. Now we live with the satisfaction that nothing was left undone or unsaid. There is no “wish I would have”, or “we should have”, or “if we could do that over” drama in our lives. We capitalized on giving everyone what they needed and some of what they wanted while giving ourselves permission to human. We ate cake, took vacations, celebrated holidays and holy days, ran a business, and nurtured our souls. It wasn’t easy, but it was living with laughter and love. I can honestly answer the survey question; I would do it all again.

The times I’ve had with my mom as an adult outweigh the hard times of my childhood. We’ve had so many wonderful trips and taking so many great pictures together, but more importantly we have survived many hardships together. At ninety-three she is slowing down. Dementia is knocking at the door. Mobility was modified by a stoke this past December. Still we’re taking a trip in July and looking forward to making more fond memories. We’re still too busy living to have regrets. I can tell you, I’m so thankful for that voice telling me I would have to take care of my mom. The reality is we take care of each other.

While I was working on this blog, I dreamed about death one night. I woke up thinking how regrets torment people when a loved one dies, and death can come at any time. Things left unsaid, unresolved conflict, or a wish that things had been different lead to regret. We have a chance to change all that while everyone is alive and breathing. Express love, forgive, find closure, do a good deed, extinguish your pride and live without remorse. That’s one less burden you have to carry. It’s just another game of “Show and Tell.” “Live, Love, Laugh” can be done, it’s a personal choice.

Recently, I went to an active seniors’ interest meeting for people over 55. It wasn’t hard to see that the meeting room was too small for the interested population. People began to line the walls as well as stand in the rear of the room and the hallway. Remember these were people over the age of 55, many in their seventies. Arguments broke out. “Why didn’t the younger people give their seats to the elderly? Why didn’t men give their seats to the women? Why weren’t those with walkers and canes allowed to seat first? Surely, they don’t expect us to stand up for the entire meeting. How are we supposed to hear in the hallway? Why didn’t they get a bigger space? Obviously, they don’t know what they are doing?” For a few minutes I thought I was back in my kindergarten classroom listening to the children bicker over who would be the line leader and who had the toy first. Finally, the moderator gained everyone’s attention. He apologized for the size of the room and moved us to a much larger space across the hall where everyone had a seat with room to spare. Some continued to grumble about how this should have been done in the first place.

I couldn’t help but wonder why people had acted so poorly. It was obvious the planners had not expected such a large turnout. It was also obvious that the building had the ability to accommodate larger groups than ours. Many of us came to the meeting room from the auditorium in the same building. Why couldn’t everyone wait just a few minutes to see how the problem would be addressed? Why didn’t we govern ourselves like the senior adults we were? How could we make assumptions about each other? People sat first come first serve. No one knew ahead of time that they might have been occupying a seat that others needed or deserved. No one intentionally slighted anyone else. It was not possible to look at an individual and determine whether they were 60 or 80, let alone how able-bodied someone who was sitting down could be. Waiting patiently and giving the planners an opportunity to handle the matter was not on the agenda. Common courtesy had no place in this gathering. Common courtesy had left the building.

I pondered that scene for several days. As many of you know I work with children and young adults as an educator. (Elementary grades and adult GED classes) The question I kept pondering was how can we expect polite behavior from the younger generation if we aren’t role models.? Should we expect better of them ourselves? I hear people complaining all the time about how rude young people are and how disrespectful they can be, but what about us? The old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” has never worked. Children will do as we do. Where do they learn to be inconsiderate, hostile, mean, self-centered and selfish? Are we going to blame everything on video games, TikTok, and peer pressure? Here’s another old saying, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

My grandmother used to say, “Common courtesy doesn’t cost you anything.” Simply words like please, thank you, you welcome, excuse me, may I help you, and I’m sorry can be given freely. Common courtesy can bridge the way to a cordial existence among a variety of individuals. Manners and words of kindness can set the tone for most any encounter. It only requires a little empathy and common courtesy, and we need these more than ever in our society.

Perhaps courtesy has left the building. I mean, I keep using the phrase “common courtesy,” but maybe courtesy isn’t common anymore. Perhaps the art of being neighborly and showing patience and compassion has been lost. Perhaps some people see courtesy as an antiquated word that needs to be removed from the dictionary. Or perhaps it has been replaced by a new word or been given a new meaning. Let’s bring old-fashioned common courtesy back. Let’s re-emphasize the simple definition we’ve always had: “showing politeness in one’s attitude and behavior toward others.” It would change our world in a good way.

Imagine how courtesy could deflate road rage or put a halt to rude gestures. Courtesy could change the trajectory of someone’s day from bad to good especially those who work with the general public. Understanding and compassion can build torn down relationships and bridge the so-called generation gap. A little gratitude and patience can change the words “Have a nice day” into a reality. If we bring courtesy and manners back into every building our environments will be far more peaceful. All we need is someone to set the example, be the role model, give what you want to receive. We can all show good manners and be better citizens by following the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Let’s invite courtesy back into the building of our relationships, our business transactions, our conversation, and our communities.

Thank you for your time. Thank you for comments. Thank you for sharing my blog with others. Peace!

Tag: multigenerational

Has Common Courtesy Left the Building?

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