Tag: reflect

The Far Away Place

~ boydwilsonpat ~ 2 Comments

Have you ever found your body present in a location and yet you felt far away? I don’t just mean your thoughts are far away from the position of your body, but all of you feels at a distance from everyone and everything around you. It’s almost like you are watching yourself from another dimension. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately – far, far away. Sometimes I see myself moving from project to project or room to room without making a connection with anything around me. This could be compassion fatigue. It could be a defense mechanism or perhaps it’s depression. Maybe it is simply an emotional disconnect to protect myself from the next harsh thing, but it feels like a distant place.

While I was away, I worked on writing and finishing my latest book of short stories and poetry, Talk from the Family Tree. (It’s in the editing process now.) I also worked in the classroom with my elementary school students, my GED students, and my Life Class participants. I’m not sure how much of this was ritual and habit, and how much was innovative teaching. There were days I tried to zone out at home on video games or TV shows such as holiday cooking contests. I prepared meals for the family, petted and walked my dogs, washed clothes, and read a couple of books. Still, I felt absent and far away from every task. I was moving along the continuum of my life without truly participating in my life. I missed my blog, and I missed my friends. I also missed loving routines and conversations with my family. The only thing I was truly able to focus on was crocheting. I made a lap mat for a friend’s birthday, and a loop scarf for a holiday gift. Now I’m working on a winter scarf and hat.

Crocheting forced me to concentrate on the stitches and the number of rows needed to complete the items. It takes my mind off worrisome issues like critical health issues of family members and the death of a legacy member of our community. Crocheting is a land of double crochet, single crochet, turn begin new row. Yet, I would use up a skein without realizing it and have to pull some of my work out to add a new skein. I was always shocked that the thread ran out without warning. So, I guess I wasn’t fully there either.

Perhaps these feelings of being far away was just wishful thinking on my part. Sometimes I bring up some soothing instrumental jazz on YouTube with a warm cabin scene and a picture window to watch the rain or snow fall. There would a fireplace and a cup of coffee or hot chocolate on the table along with an overstuffed chair or couch. The fireplace and window are my favorite parts. I could easily picture myself sitting there enjoying the solitude, the scenery, and the music. These times are so peaceful I can feel myself relaxing just thinking about them. They remind me that the faraway place does exist and may be only a cabin rental away.

Some people would describe this state of away-ness as melancholy. According to the Oxford Dictionary, melancholy is “a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.” While the Free Dictionary and the Merriam Webster Dictionary describes melancholy as “a gloomy state of mind, characterized by depression of spirits and dejection.” In ancient times melancholia was treated by bloodletting baths, exercise, and diet. Attempts were made to relieve the body of too much black bile. Some even theorized that melancholy came from the supernatural realm such as ghosts and demons. In that case a hole was drilled in the person’s head to release the evil spirits. Today, melancholy fits into a broad field of mental illnesses and is treated with talk therapy and/or antidepressants. While I am not a doctor, I know that research is ongoing to fine the cure and causes of major depressive disorder. Depression can stem from biological, psychological. and socio-emotional factors. No two cases are necessarily alike. Thank God we live in a time when the stigma is dying out and therapee is more readily available.

Am I depressed, or experiencing melancholy? I don’t think so. At least this does not feel like the bouts I’ve had with depression in the past. Maybe I just need a vacation from the rat race. Or perhaps I need some respite time away from being a caregiver, a teacher, or the “go-to” person. Perhaps I need to reinvent myself again. I do miss having my own business and calling my own shots. For certain, I need my Sabbath rest; being on 24/7 is not good for anyone. We’ve allowed multitasking and being connected to technology to take over our lives eliminating our time to renew, rest, and reflect. We need to give ourselves time to just “be.” I needed time to just “be.”

I am learning to allow myself to just “be.” I don’t need to over analyze my state of being, nor do I need to seek immediate changes in my lifestyle. I can simply trust my circadian rhythm to regulate the function of my mind and body. Intuitively and internally, my body and mind know when I need to rest, when I need nutrition, warmth, and natural light. Through the years I have learned how prayer and nature soothe my soul. I can rely on the Holy Scriptures to center and ground me when tests and trials challenge me. So, it’s okay to allow myself to retreat to the far away place until I’m ready to fully engage and connect to the here and now again. Afterall, I am still functioning in the present while my heart and spirit are shielded by the barrier of tranquility in a distance dimension. This is my coping mechanism nothing more, nothing less.

How do you give yourself a break from harsh realities? Do you meditate, exercise, go to a retreat center, call your parents, read poetry, cry in your bubble bath, or speed down the freeway like a race car driver leaving your troubles behind? How do you cope with unpleasant things and high demand? Do you see your therapist? Do you physically remove yourself or mentally disconnect? I would love to hear from you.

Shalom and Happy Holidays and Holy Days.

PS: Here’s a couple of titles you may enjoy reading:

Finding and Noticing Beauty

~ boydwilsonpat ~ Leave a comment

Tulips on the median divide

Yesterday, as I drove my granddaughter to work I saw a beautiful burst of flowers on the median divide. For a minute, I thought they were artificial. They were so beautiful I had to stop to take a picture on my way back home. (The picture doesn’t do it justice.) I began to wonder how long had those flowers been there. After all, we take the same route several times per week.

Have you ever been a passenger riding your usual route and seen something you never noticed before? That happens in my family all the time. My mom will point out a house, or a tree, or a construction project, and ask, “when did they put that there,” or “was that always there?” You seem to notice more when you are not driving. For some reason, your mind is not reoccupied with where you are going and what time you have to be there. Sometimes that can be pretty scary. I’ve had moments when I have no memory of how I got to my destination. I call that automatic pilot.

How may times do we pass beautiful, wondrous, things and never see them at all? How often does “automatic pilot” cause us to miss the world around us? Needless to say, I don’t have the answer to those questions, but I do have a few suggestions. My suggestions start with intentionality. I have a friend who is very big on intentionality. She says that your intentions direct your outcomes, even in how you feel at a given time. If you make joy your intention as you attack a project, you are more likely to experience joy. (I’m sure I didn’t do a good job of explaining that; forgive Carla.) So why not be intentional about noticing beauty?

Take a leisure walk around your neighborhood. Look at the houses. What color scheme do you like best? What’s your favorite architectural structure? Depending on the time of day, you may see birds, rabbits, or people walking their pets. Take a moment to observe these things. Perhaps, you can’t walk around; try sitting by a window. Observe the sky, the trees in your yard, and your neighbors. Look at the lawns, the bushes, their flowers, or the slope of the property. Try standing in your driveway. Look for bugs, ants, or flying insects. You may luck up and see a butterfly or a humming bird.

Here’s a favorite of mine. Watch children at play. I’m always amazed at the expressions on my young children’s faces. They laugh with their whole bodies. They are fully engaged with their toys, their pets, and each other. Concentration ripples across their foreheads, and their eyes twinkle with excitement. They find such joy in the simplest things – things I take for granted. You can see things so differently just by asking a child, “what’s that?” (One thing I love about working with children everyday is experiencing things anew when I see them through their eyes.)

Another way to notice beauty is to look directly at people when you’re talking to them. (That used to be a given, but I’ve noticed it’s not anymore.) I’m not talking about making eye contact, although that’s important. I’m talking about really looking at people. I’ve noticed nice haircuts, professional makeup, crooked smiles, distinguished lines and wrinkles, beautiful male eyelashes, elegant fingers (what my mom calls “piano fingers”), flashes of humor in smirks, and the changing color of hazel eyes. I also notice colors – colors of clothes, shoes, skin tones, jewelry, and teeth; not to mention body language that speaks volumes. There are some truly beautiful people in the world.

Beauty doesn’t have to be something extraordinary. The standard for beauty is personal. The things that make you smile, or feel awe, has nothing to do with what others think or feel. My favorite color is royal blue; every shade of blue is nice I suppose, but royal blue is my magic. (By the way, it’s not a color I look good in, but I still love it.) Unless you take the time to notice beauty you may never know what opens your personal pleasure.

Years ago when I was dating my husband we were traveling down the interstate on our way to God knows where. I distinctly remember him pointing out the trees on the hillside to me. He said something to the effect of wishing he could capture all the shades of green in his paintings. (My husband is a fine artist.) I looked at those same trees and saw green – no shades, no variations – just green. I told him this. He told me to look carefully, more closely. I remember staring out the window for what seemed liked forever trying to see what he saw. It didn’t happen for me that day. Many months later (maybe years), I saw it. Now I’m always looking for the colors of nature including the various colors of green.

Noticing natural beauty helps us to personalize the things that we enjoy, as well as the things we want to share with others. Noticing beauty adds to our lives; it nurtures our minds and hearts. Beauty dispels the ugliness and dirtiness of the world. (Just looking at those flowers on the median took me away from the virus for awhile.) We don’t have to buy into the manufactured ideas of what beauty is; we can intentionally establish our own standards.

Beauty is all around us. Remember to look around and observe the good things even in critical times like these. You may be surprised at what you see.

The challenge is to look for Beauty in the most ordinary places. Available from Amazon.com